Why We Should All Speak English

I recently learned that a proposition made by the director of a renowned French Business School (ESSEC) to teach in English was met by the usual French narrow-mindedness and unwillingness to accept change. It seems that my fellow French citizens fail to realize the scope of the global changes that we are witnessing.

Jet flights as well as advances in communication (read: Internet)  have dramatically changed our perception of distances and the world has, indeed, become a smaller place. We realized, fifty years go, that almost any place on earth could be reached in less than 48 hours. Nowadays, almost everyone is connected to everyone else thanks to the mobile Internet. I tweet, you tweet, everybody tweets and in doing so we all are inter-connected. The main issue now is not to make global communication technically feasible but to be able to understand each other. If we want the world to become an even smaller place, we need to share a common language.

People afraid of change (the French are probably the best at that... Well at least they can still claim to be the best at something) will argue that using a common language will deny people of their cultures and peculiarities. I can only disagree with that. There are many countries where dialects are still spoken although there is an official language that everyone speaks in addition to the aforementioned tongues. Using a common language simplifies communication among all citizens and yet they can all still claim their local identities and traditions through their dialects. In this day and age, we have to realize that national languages are today's dialects and that a common language is needed. Beyond simplifying communication amongst us, it will allow everyone to feel closer to one another and by doing so may reduce the need to go to war: just because our history is full of examples of countries going to war against one another simply because they're different or don't understand their differences.

If we assume that I'm right (how could I not be? I'm French!), then we need to decide what language should be used as a common tongue for all earthlings. My fellow citizens will probably argue that French is the best choice but once again, I will have to disagree and go for the obvious choice: English. As a matter of fact, who could argue that English isn't already on its way to become tomorrow's global language? Indians speaks English, Chinese people learn it, Brazilians go to language schools everyday to become proficient at it and Russians need to master it for global commerce.

So please join me in thinking that sharing a common language wouldn't be a bad thing and do your share by learning it if you don't already speak it. One of my first posts detailing the concept of Culture Shifting shows that even a French like me can learn it by only watching TV and using the Internet. So it can't be that hard, can it?

Of course, in my own tradition to maintain a certain level of absurdity in this blog, this post will only be read and understood by people who already speak English and it will, therefore, defeat the purpose of making non-English speakers realize what they are missing. Well, at least I can find comfort in the fact that they won't be hurt by my words.

How To Combat Declining Birth Rates With A Seduction Engine

Declining birth rates are jeopardizing the economy of developed countries while poor countries are struggling to limit their exponential growth. Many western governments tried to find a solution to this threatening issue but none came up with a viable solution. As usual, I intend to give the savvy reader of this blog a simple way to remedy that problem.

As a prerequisite to what follows, it is of the utmost importance to emphasize the fact that birth is the result (at least until now) of sexual activity. Therefore, it seems only logical that whatever increases the likelihood of sexual activity between two (or more) consensual adults can only result in an increase in birth rate. Many opponents to this theory will find millions of reasons (like contraception for instance) to object but for simplification and clarity reasons, I will just consider they're wrong and go on with my theory.

So here's my wonderful and super smart (as usual) idea: let's develop a Seduction Engine! What? You don't know what I'm talking about? This term sounds confusing to you? Of course, it is! I invented it and you can't be as smart as I am so I'll just have to explain it.

Everybody will agree that the rise of the Internet is in a large part due to the rise of Search Engines. Google is the new Microsoft because they were and still are the best at developing Search tools. Evidently, any two-word concept using at least "Search" or "Engine" can only be a big success.

So here's my proposition: let's think about BabelWith.Me . This great service allows people to simultaneously chat in different languages just thanks to the fact that it automatically translates each sentence from one language into the language of the other party. Isn’t that awesome? (Steve Jobs could have made that comment). The next step, in my opinion, would be not only to translate various languages from various countries but to translate the language of men into the language of women and vice-versa. This would obviously result in more people getting to appreciate one another and consequently to more sexual activity and therefore more birth.

As an illustration to this theory, here's how it could work:

Man: "Hello Babe, I wanna do you"

Translated into the language of Women: "Hello beautiful girl, your eyes are the most beautiful I have ever seen"

Woman: "How nice of you, you are such a good mannered man"

Translated into the language of Men: "No kidding! Wow, I wanna s*** you until you're lyophilized"

etc...

The reader can only deduct that this Seduction Engine indeed is the best invention ever! The wheel just seems like a gadget compared to it.

Once again, no need to thank me for solving one of humanity's impending disasters. Donations are out of the question.

Disclaimer: this post is in no way sponsored by babelwithme as it is obvious that any brand mentioned in this blog is likely to lose a great deal of credibility.