Saturday, November 6, 2010

Raising Venture Capital For Dummies

I don't wake up everyday with a world-changing idea. It actually only happens every other day. Luckily, today is the day and as I'm in a particularly good mood, I have decided to share with you the secrets behind raising Venture Capital. Don't be scared if you have no idea what I'm talking about, rest assured that I am exactly in the same position than you. It, however, seems very important in this day and age to write and talk about it if you want to look smart (don't we all want that?). As you should know, I have absolutely no knowledge in business, finance or anything of the kind. It just struck me this morning the second I woke up: I KNOW HOW TO BECOME RICH AND I WILL SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD.

Behind my strategy is one basic idea: people love postcards. Forget the fact the postcard sales have plummeted with the advent of the Internet and follow my reasoning: I'm going raise to venture capital for a startup I'm about to create (feel free to do the same, I won't sue you). To cut down costs, we will only make one postcard: a picture of a Double Whopper With Cheese. This will make our business model very easy to follow: one product, no creativity, artists etc... We just need to heavily invest in printing and distributing. When we're done, we will ship our postcards all over the world for what better way to relate to your friends than to send them a postcard of a Double Whopper With Cheese from a far-away land?

I intent, with this business plan, to convince dumb Venture Capital investors to raise US$ 100 million in my company. I haven't decided exactly at how much I will price the postcards but they will be around US$ 100 each (pleasing friends never comes cheap). If I have a billion customers (that is only 16.6666% of the world population, a rather conservative estimate) and each one of them buys at least one postcard per year, that will amount to US$ 100 billion in yearly sales which should be enough to make me a rich man!

Now you might be wondering why I posted the Burger King ad above? Well, I'll leave it to your dirty mind to understand: seven incher, blow away, girl with open mouth, meat...

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