Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Complete Unabridged Partial Guide To Living The Life 2.0

If living the life seems like a dream to you and you think you'll never be able to be successful enough in order to achieve it then focus on something even better: The Life 2.0. Luckily, you happen to be reading this post where  I intend to give out a few tips on how to live the Grand Life 2.0!

First of all, you should realize that living the old-fashioned way, as opposed to the digital Life 2.0, is out-dated. None of your geek friends will find you cool if you continue to avoid new technologies and stubbornly claim that they are useless. Embrace your digital self and try to excel at your new life. Everybody around you will end up copying you (or unfriending you).

Here are the few apps and habits that you should focus on mastering in each aspect of your life:

1) Music: Don't listen to CDs anymore! Use Spotify, Pandora or Deezer. They're music streaming services that, for a limited monthly fee, allow you to listen to almost all music. Don't own your music. It's too old-fashioned, rent and stream it. When you're invited to a private party, replace the DJ's iPhone with yours and play hip hop when everybody wants to listen to techno music. They will love it (or might get yourself kicked out of that party).

2) Letting your friends know where you are: Don't call your friends to let them know where you are or enquire about their location. Check-in using Foursquare, Gowalla, Whrrl, Yelp, Plyce, Brightkite, Twitter AND Facebook. This will allow you to never be bored ever again as you will use most of your time to check-in from places to places on your Smartphone. Try to take pictures while you're at it. None of your friends will find them interesting but it will make you lose a lot more time. Moreover, strangers may like your pictures more than your friends and in turn, you will broaden your horizons by getting to know many perverts whose path you would never have crossed otherwise. Always keep in mind that there is no such thing as a check-in to be ashamed of (think toilets, bedroom, seat 45E on a plane).

3) Letting your friends know what you eat and drink: Use the aforementioned social networks to accurately document everything that will go through your intestines and bladder. You will manage to alienate a lot more friends who will be horrified by your lack of concern for your own health.

4) Use cloud storage services: I'm not talking about parking your private jet in the clouds but rather about keeping a copy of your precious files in the clouds in case anything would happen to your computers or home. Great services like SugarSync or Dropbox let you save all your digital data online and synchronize it across multiple computers.  Your friends' jaws will drop when you show them that you can access all your files from your smartphone, explaining: "This is panmnesia, I can access all my data and knowledge anywhere, anytime. Isn't it cool???". They will literally think: "that guy suffers from OCD, let's avoid him".

5) Movies: The Holy Grail of Entertainment! Get rid of your cable provider. How could you have time to watch anything on TV since you're constantly using Foursquare? If you happen to be dying to watch a specific movie or series, rent them on iTunes and watch them on your iPad in the toilets. It's probably the calmest place on Earth. Make sure you document having watched this movie on Miso and your location at the time on Foursquare.

6) Books: Buy a Kindle to show off, install the Kindle app on your iPad or use iBooks. Anyway, this is just to show off. Who has time to read nowadays? I don't... I never did either... Ok, so this might be due to the fact that I'm lazy. It might indeed have nothing to do with the digital revolution. I dread the birth of a social network like Miso dedicated to books. Everyone will know I'm not as smart as I try to make everyone think I am.

7) If you're into onanism, try Chatroulette!

And if you know BASIC:

8 GO TO 1


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