Tuesday, October 26, 2010
If I Had A Hammer And A Stargate
I could have chosen "Monday Burger Monday"as the title of this post but decided otherwise as I'm attempting to possibly write the worst blog post ever in the entire history of the Internet and while at it, probably the worst piece of writing altogether in the history of mankind, the Universe and whatever preceded the latter.
You might be tempted to ask, provided you had the guts to comment this post and therefore risk being traced back and associated with this blog, why I would change my perfect habits and make a burger on a Monday. Well, I know I have used my readers to the Sunday burger challenge but I had good reasons to try and reach Burger Xanadu on a Monday. As a matter of fact, we are hosting friends next week-end and will probably go out for dinner next Sunday evening, hence denying ourselves from another attempt at the perfect burger. It, consequently, only seemed logical to anticipate our Sunday routine as a precaution in case anything would happen to us until the following Sunday.
I must say I was quite happy with tonight's burger. It was tasty, juicy and spicy. I used Louisiana Gold Green sauce, two beef patties, lettuce, two slices of cheese with Buffalo Mozzarella in-between the slices (an idea of a Michelin Star Chef friend of mine). This made for a perfectly melted cheese and juicy burger. It was kind of like applying the recipe for a Juicy Lucy to the cheese itself.
So, what's up with the Hammer, Stargate and possibly worst blog post ever?
Well, here it comes: while I was tasting my burger, I had this stroke of genius (well, actually quite the opposite): If I had a Stargate, I would probably use it to go the most isolated planet in the galaxy (where, of course, the entire population of the planet speaks English, just like in the TV series) and I would introduce to this unspoiled civilization the holy Burger. I would persuade them to believe that hamburgers are representations of the essence of the universe, that they should be revered to and that followers should strive to try and perfect their recipe. This amazing idea would make generations and generations work on my Sunday burger challenge. They would innovate in the field of Hamburgers (disregarding any other field such as physics, mathematics, biology, art etc... as Hamburgers unify all fields) and the result of all this would be the advent of a new Universe filled with wisdom and melted cheddar.
What about the Hammer? Well, isn't it obvious? The Hammer would be used to show the people from this faraway planet at the edge of the universe how to beat the sh*t out of a beef patty in order to make it flat and large. I would teach this people how to frantically scream, like a serial killer for his first kill, and flatten all patties ever destined to be used in a burger.
And when this whole process is over and in millions of years, Burger Xanadu is reached, I will prove Bergson wrong when he stated that the essential function of the universe was to be a machine for the making of Gods for in fact, the essential function of the universe is to be a machine for the making of Burgers.