Thursday, October 14, 2010

How To Deconstruct Your Online Brand And Lower Your Income

Having never read anything about marketing but being the successful author of my blog for almost two weeks, I have decided to declare myself proficient in all matters directly or remotely linked to building an online brand through the extensive use of social networks. Since some of the posts featured in this blog have been read by more than two people (that is at least one other person than myself), I can safely assume that I am on the way (if not yet there) to become a worldwide success(h) (think Tony Montana in Scarface).

Anyway, let me tell you about my experience and what you should do in order to Deconstruct Your Brand and Lower Your Income online:

1) Choose an easy recognizable brand or name for your blog (no more than 2 words with the absolute rule of not using commas or the same word four times in your title). Just look at my blog title and you'll have a perfect example of what was just mentioned.

2) Use your Facebook friends and Twitter followers (if you have any) to increase your blog audience and alienate your friends and followers. This will result in a dramatic loss of Twitter followers and clearly lower your amount of dinner invitations.

3) Maintain a structure: be consistent in what you do. If your aim is to write about various topics that have nothing in common then go ahead and do so! This will get your readers to be bored after one post (in case they stumbled across your blog by accident on a search engine) and they will never come back to your blog.

4) Spend a lot of time writing your blog. This will prevent you from doing anything constructive in your life, like looking after your children, pleasing your spouse or increasing your productivity at your real job. By doing so, you will ensure that no one will ever consider you for a promotion and that your social life will be miserable, hence leaving you with only one option and that is to post even more on your blog.

5) Keep in mind that although some people have made a lot of money online, your chances to make it big time are close to zero and you'd probably be better off playing the lottery.

6) Write in a foreign language to make sure most of your friends won't be interested in reading your blog. In addition, your lack of skills will show in your poor grammar and vocabulary making your style unbearable and your content insipid, therefore annoying any potential reader.

If you have followed all these rules, I am sure you are the third reader of this blog and you should feel free to leave a comment. If you are a man, there is an extra benefit that I forgot to mention: it is that all the stress caused by posting on your blog will lead to an excess release of Cortisol in your bloodstream. This will result, through a complex feedback loop, in a decreased release of Testosterone and should as a consequence shrink your penis of at least one inch (I have experienced this myself).

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